I’m not in love with you anymore. You aren’t good for me. We are not compatible. We never were. I tried to make you fit into what I wanted and gave up what I felt was important. Me. I tried to make you be all that I wanted because I desperately needed somebody to sweep me off my feet and save me from myself. Now i realize that I don’t need you. I need myself. I need myself more than ever. For once in my life, I need me.

If you love me, you’ll understand why I need to be alone. Why I need to leave. Why we can’t be together. I need to find myself.

I’m tired of sacrificing myself for other people. It’s time for me to do what I need to do. What I need to do is move on. I can’t go on with this, I’m not doing you or me any favors by pretending everything is good.

If you ever loved me, you’ll let me go. You’ll let me go because you know I’m not happy here. You wouldn’t want me to stay somewhere where I’m not happy.

I’m moving out.

I don’t think I am anything special. I feel that I am ‘normal’ and a genuine person. I don’t do bad things, I don’t fuck people over but I still try to do right by me.

I don’t like the word bitch, slut, ect. when it’s directed at me, that includes a playful way. But I sure do you those words a lot. I guess it’s like the n word. If you’re not a girl, don’t say those words to me.

I am a thinker. I love to think. I’m rarely bored, unless it’s a ‘I need to get up off the couch and move around’ kinda bored. I can entertain myself quite easily. I make lots of plans, but hardly follow through. I love to sleep. I could sleep all day, and I love to stay up all night.

I would prefer not to drink, but it’s better than weed. I like pills better.

I love to exercise. The way I feel afterward is great.

I’m sure you would forget…its not like you ever remeber anything I say. Oh, except for the bad stuff, you never forget that shit.

And you wonder why…

I need a bestie.

I’m going to stab myself pretty soon. All this stress is amounting to stomach aches, worries, and hair pulling. I don’t know what to do? Make a pro/con list?! That seems unreasonable in a situation like this, but it’s all I can think of.

Should I wait to move until school is over? Should I move at all? Should I stab myself?

Ok

Pro: Independent. Do whatever I want. Make myself stronger/be an adult for the first time in your life. See other people. Experience new things.

Con: No more Him.

If i’m thinking of moving out, isn’t it a sign that I don’t love him anymore? If i dont wanna have sex with him anymore, isn’t that a sign that I don’t love him?! If I hate being home, isn’t that a fucking sign?! Face it, Girl, you are only staying because he wants you to and you know it. You just don’t have the fucking courage to do it. You’re scared. You are weak. I am weak…

True story…if I didn’t have a garage full of my dads shit, I would have moved out already. That is fucking sad as fuck. I am a fucked up person. And this is why I will never grow up…

I’m not even concerned about being alone, I’d relish the chance to be alone, I would never be lonely, that’s for sure. I’m just scared. Just scared to break him. I wish he would just let me go, why is he fighting!? Doesn’t he have enough self confidence to say “If you wanna leave, leave. I’m not keeping you here.” Why can’t he just do it for me!? Why can’t I have enough self confidence? Why can’t I be strong? I think I’m just waiting for school to be over…truthfully. I can’t be moving and studying/writing at the same time…. I am a sorry excuse for a strong human. Aren’t I supposed to be a strong woman? What the fuck went wrong with me that I can’t even make a decision?

pleatedjeans:

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well…was going to write a long ass post about my shit life but, nobody fucking cares. the end.